twenty-teen

i had like full breakdown over the fact that i turn twenty this year

I really really can’t deal with the fact that I’m getting older. I’ve been in a rut for the past 2 and a half weeks and I think it’s because I can’t deal with the fact that in about 7 months I turn twenty

I thought I would have myself figured out at this point or at least have more of an idea on who I am. I don’t feel like I am where I should be, I should be more confident and not shrink myself still, I should get up and do things I wanna do because I can, and I should be able to say fuck it and be myself (whoever tf that is that day) around everyone in my life and not have all these personas on who I need to be in front of them. I think this also might stem from me going to community college.

This is not a diss on community college (duh bc I go to one even tho it kinda sucks). It just sometimes makes me insecure and feel like a failure in comparison to those around me then I get in my own head. I mean I’m about to be twenty years old (yikers) and I’m gonna be in community college still not knowing what I want do to do with my life and just taking endless bullshit classes until what? I die? And trust me I like the classes I take but what’s my end goal? where will I end up? Am I gonna be stuck working retail for the rest of my life, I mean god forbid. I’ve worked retail enough to know if I was twenty-eight doing that crap I would strangle people.

Then, another part of me is stuck on my lack of life experience (romantic relationships the plague of my life). I’m too scared of rejection ( I think) and then I’m also too scared of opening myself up enough to even get far in a relationship. Everytime I try I either blow shit up or they were never really interested in me seriously anyway. And I think that comes from the fact that being in a relationship means essentially showing your soul to someone. I don’t like vulnerability, I mean me and my friends start talking and second I feel a tear coming boom I’m changing the subject. Crying in front of someone no matter how close feels shameful, like I’m weak, I’m not weak. I have divulge too much information to someone for me to be in a relationship. Shit even the aspect of sex sometimes in my mind too damn much. Me naked, bare to the raw materials??? You must want me to explode into a million pieces. But that’s where one of my main issues with myself lie. I mean fuck i’ll be twenty this year and I can’t even get over my fucking insecurities just and dive into it. And it’s not like I’m not ready (prob a lie) I’m just terrified that’ll never happen for me that I’m some unloveable, unfuckable beast that’ll die alone.

Anyways

Back to my point. Twenty. All the things I should’ve done as a teenager I didn’t do. I haven’t kissed anyone, or been romantic, or have a bunch of friends who I would sneak off and do dumb shit with. I’ve always just been in this corner where I feel like a nobody. I used to tell myself when I was like seventeen that once I hit my twenties I would figure who I am, and then get in a relationship, experience that love, take trips with my friends, feel fulfilled at least a little bit with my life. But now that twenty’s knocking at my door I don’t feel that way at all. I feel like a mess, a failure, an idiot, and a loser. Honestly, I probably set myself up thinking that way, that maybe one day it would get better, or maybe spending too much time on my phone has set me up too lead me to believe that what I’m seeing is even real (half the time i know it’s not) but I can’t help it.

Anywho, if you’re reading this just know these are the ramblings of a soon to be not teenage girl who will probably say twenty-teen unironically for at least a week after their birthday and this could have absolutely been a journal entry because this is incoherent lowkey, but I’ve been in a writing rut (feeling like a pseudo-intellectual like always)

ps. I wrote this and felt like I had to hurl the entire time because I feel like I’m being way too open on the internet but maybe this is a step for me to actually start opening up irl